I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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