This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
