Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
