My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
