And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
