And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't deserve a penis
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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