i jhust puked up my retainher.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
