if i can run in heels then i can drive
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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