You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
