Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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