hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
