She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Houston, we have a blender
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
