I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
