I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
