I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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