This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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