i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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