the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
