There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
