um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
false alarm. still invincible.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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