Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
