The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
