Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
