i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
