They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
