I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
