so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize