I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize