I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I faked an abortion last night.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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