somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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