You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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