Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
