Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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