my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
