I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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