2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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