I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
