Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
