I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
