i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It's never too late to be topless.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
