We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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