I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
