You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
