If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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