Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
