Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
