I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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