A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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