Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
i now understand why vodka
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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