i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
