I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize