Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize