Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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