i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
