The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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