No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize