I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
