HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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