Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
