So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I am naked and annoyed.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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