I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
